Today is my 40th birthday. 40. Wow.

When I was a kid, I remember thinking of people who were 40 as old! Ancient, even. 

And now, I would be lying if I didn’t say I have mixed feelings about turning 40. My body isn’t as spry as it once was. I have to get my ovaries taken out this year because of my BRCA genetic mutation and will be facing early menopause. The labels that society ascribes to me have changed: I’m middle-aged, people sometimes call me Ma’am for God’s sake! If I hadn’t had breast cancer already, I’d be starting annual mammograms (a reminder to all my female friends who also turned 40 this year!)

My discomfort with turning 40 is causing me a bit of survivor’s guilt. Shouldn’t I just be grateful that I get to turn 40 at all? When I turned 30, I was just so happy to be alive after beating breast cancer that all I could feel was joy. After all, the alternative was dying young. So what has changed?

In a weird way, turning 40 bears some semblance to the feelings I had when I was going through breast cancer. I deeply fear my own mortality. I don’t want to get old. I don’t want time to run out. I don’t want all of this to end. 

Of course, there is very little difference between being 39 years and 364 days old and 40 years old. But when we hit these milestones, we are confronted head on with the insurmountable and undeniable truth that we are aging and that we are mortal.

There is a grief associated with that reminder. Even as we may welcome another year with open arms, we must say goodbye to the past. We mourn the loss of our own childhood, our youth, our innocence, experiences and memories that we cannot repeat, people we’ve lost, and parts of ourselves (in some cases, quite literally!)

I think it’s ok to just let that grief be there. When we say goodbye, when we let go, there is a sadness to that, no matter how bright the future is (and frankly, mine is pretty darn sparkly.) 

In processing that sadness, it is important to remain present, but it is also helpful to gaze backwards in gratitude. I’ve mentioned before that the antidote to grief is gratitude.Yes, it is important to savor each beautiful moment while it lasts, but we can also relive those moments to some extent through memories, and through gratitude.

And so, for my 40th birthday this year, I’ve decided to take a look back at the last four decades and make a list of 10 things that I am truly grateful for:

1. Growing up in relative privilege, always knowing where my next meal would be coming from, a childhood full of positive formative experiences, and a good education. I don’t think I would be where I am today without the support and love of my parents.
    

2. The opportunity to travel and experience many different cultures. I spent much of my 20s and early 30s roaming around the world and having a blast.
    

3. Surviving breast cancer, and the miracle that I found the lump early enough. Another few months and I am not sure I would be here today.
    

4. The experience of living abroad in Israel for 5 years. In some ways these were the best years of my life and I will treasure the memories, the smells, the tastes, the friendships and the connection to my purpose that I felt there forever.
    

5. Finding and marrying my husband who is a true partner in life. I will never forget the joy of our wedding day and all of the beautiful memories we have had together, and that we are still creating.
    

6. The opportunity to experience motherhood, which I can only describe as a miracle. I am truly grateful for science, for family who financially supported our IVF journey, and for the Universe in granting us our beautiful daughter, and another one coming in just a few months!
    

7. People in this world who inspire me and who bring love and light where it is sorely needed. Random acts of kindness and empathy. Loyalty and friendship.
    

8. Finding a career that is aligned with my purpose. I love the work that I am doing with my clients and am truly looking forward to not only continuing to help them transform their lives, but also to growing and developing as a coach.
    

9. Just being here, breathing, alive, despite all the challenges and dangers of the world.
    

10. Time. Every moment is precious. I want to savor them as much as possible.

I’m smiling as I end this post. Celebrating what I’ve been through, and ready for what comes next. Cheers to me, on my 40th birthday!