October is breast cancer awareness month, and as a survivor who believes in creating meaning out of my WTF Moments, I am dedicating my blog and newsletter this month to women’s health.

Women’s Health Is A Major Concern In America And Worldwide

Ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 28 I have become a passionate women’s health advocate. Coming face-to-face with the medical system for such a serious issue at a young age abruptly opened my eyes to the disparities in access to care for women (particularly for women of color), the lack of insurance coverage for female-related medical issues, and the “pink tax” on self-care and hygiene products.

For instance, why is fertility preservation for cancer patients not covered by insurance in 40/50 states? Why are women complaining of pain being turned away or ignored by healthcare providers (hello again Serena Williams!)? Why will my insurance pay for opioids but not for anti-nausea medication during the first trimester of pregnancy? Why are my razors 25% more expensive than my husband’s?

I could literally talk about women’s health all day long, for weeks on end. But I’m going to distill this down into a few high-priority topics for this month. And so to kick off Breast Cancer Awareness Month, today’s topic focuses on…. you guessed it! Breast Cancer.

Breast Cancer Is Not Caused By Negative Feelings, Tap Water, Or Lack Of Faith In Jesus

Last month I celebrated my 10-year Cancerversary. I sent a heartfelt and vulnerable email out to everyone about my experience, my lessons learned, and my current situation. The point of my email was to illustrate how cancer can cause pain and trauma, but that we can also empower ourselves through knowledge and create meaning out of that suffering. In general, I received mostly positive and supportive responses. Except for one…

“So sorry to hear that you are still in anger and denial. You have to work and release all the trauma's from your life and specially early life. Especially your negative beliefs, they keep you in a traumatic state..and cancer cells love that..and keep on growing. You have to free them...so that they can relax and leave your body like all the waste that goes out. Think about this…”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

First of all, this is simply untrue. There is no reliable, peer-reviewed study in any respectable journal that supports this claim, and in fact, there are studies that directly refute it. I won’t get into all that here, because it’s not the point. The point is that even if it were true, this is a totally insensitive, unsupportive, and unhelpful thing to say.

This person is what I like to call a PWAC. A person without a clue. In her mind, she was doing me a favor- possibly a life saving one. So was the person who told me that chemo was a government conspiracy, the one who said I should avoid tap water, or the one that told me to accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my savior so that God would save me from cancer. (I’m Jewish, by the way…)

But sometimes PWAC comments are more subtle and can really seem well-intentioned.

The top 10 Well-Intentioned but insensitive Comments People Make To Breast Cancer Patients

1. Everything happens for a reason

2. Don’t worry, my aunt had breast cancer and she’s fine

3. I had a friend who died of cancer (did you seriously think this one would make me feel better?)

4. That’s a good cancer to have

5. Congrats, your treatment is over! (Cancer is never over - there are long term side effects and the ever-looming fear of recurrence)

6. Now you can move on with your life. (I was never the same again after cancer)

7. That wig looks great on you (Trivializes a deep and painful loss)

8. At least you get a free boob job! (See above)

9. Going through cancer is so similar to pregnancy symptoms (yes, except one ends in death and destruction while the other ends in life and a beautiful baby).

10. Saying nothing at all and avoiding the person

Sadly, some of the messaging for Breast Cancer Awareness Month has also gone down this route. From making everything pink and cute (like pink boobie cookies and balloons) to slogans like “Save the Tata’s (hello have you heard about mastectomies?), this month can be full of triggers for folks who actually have breast cancer. There is nothing cute about breast cancer. It’s not pretty. It’s not fun. And it’s not even 100% female.

What To Say And Do When Someone You Care About Has Breast Cancer

So, whether true or not true, well-intentioned or not, unless you have been in their shoes, unless you actually have a clue as to what it is like to go through breast cancer, the only thing that you should be saying to that person is, “I’m so sorry you are going through this. Let me know how I can help.”

That’s it! No shoulds, woulds, or coulds. No unsolicited advice, and certainly not if you’ve never been to medical school. No trying to make yourself feel better because this is uncomfortable, painful, or awkward for you. And even if you have had breast cancer, keep in mind that everyone’s experience is different.

The best way to be there for someone with breast cancer is to check in regularly, express compassion and sympathy, ask how you can help, educate yourself about breast cancer, and donate to breast cancer research and support programs. Gifts are also nice and here are some of my favorites:

• Gift cards (Door Dash, meal delivery service, Amazon, books etc.)

• Free Netflix or other channel subscription

• Blankets and hats for chemo (ask first, sometimes people don’t want or need these)

• House-cleaner

• Babysitting

At the end of the day, people going through breast cancer really need support. It can be a lonely and frightening journey. And everyone’s experience is unique. Some people are more sensitive than others. Some may be triggered by some of the things on my list while others don’t bother them at all. I may not have included all of the triggers for people on my list.

I didn’t write this so that anyone would feel like they need to walk on eggshells. Just talk to your loved one(s) about how you can best support them, what makes them feel better, and what they would like to avoid. They need you. And whether you know it or not yet, you need them too.