I’m sitting here writing from my bed, recovering from my salpingectomy (removal of my fallopian tubes). I’ve had a lot of emotional ups and downs since the procedure. At first, I felt pretty good about it. Things went smoothly, the experience at the hospital was relatively pleasant and unstressful, I didn’t have too much pain afterwards.

But as time went on, a few triggers came up that sent my mind into darker waters. Someone in one of my IVF Facebook groups sharing how happy she was because she just got naturally pregnant by surprise. A friend going through infertility sharing that she was going to continue to try naturally, even though she has healthy embryos in the bank. A twin mom in one of my IVF Facebook groups sharing that she was shamed in another Facebook group for twin moms because her twins weren’t “natural.”

I started to feel the loss, heavy in my chest. Grief and sadness. Jealousy.

But it wasn’t until I talked to my husband about it that I realized what was really going on.

should you tell your children their ivf story?

I asked him what he thought about telling Ella our IVF story, her IVF story. My husband responded that he thinks we should tell Ella everything early on, in a way that normalizes the situation. If we hide it, then it becomes a big deal. Something bad. Something shameful, perhaps. A boogeyman in the closet. But if we are open and honest about it from the get go, it can become a non-issue.

In fact, studies show that it’s best not only to tell children that they were conceived using IVF (or surrogacy, or donor egg/embryos/sperm) but to tell them in early childhood. Apparently, it reduces stress, anxiety, depression, and it helps the child accept their story and incorporate it into their self-identity more easily.

It made me realize how powerful the stories are that we tell ourselves.

Your ivf story is whatever you believe it is

It’s not about the circumstances of our lives, or the situations in which we find ourselves. It’s about the story we tell ourselves (and others) about it.

In this case, I am the author of my story. I get to decide whether this salpingectomy is about a hero who took her life into her own hands and made a brave, healthy decision or about a victim who was sterilized and will never know the joy of a “natural” pregnancy. And I want that decision to be based on the truth. Not on the scripts and prejudices of society, family, friends, people I don’t even know on Facebook. My truth. No one else’s.

So I ask myself, where does this story about sterilization and the “naturalness” of pregnancy come from? What makes a woman a woman? A mother a mother? Is it my fallopian tubes and the eggs that traveled down them? A “natural” vaginal birth? Feeding my baby “naturally” from my breasts?

I think not, my friends.

don’t BUY INTO OUTDATED SCRIPTS AND OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS

I think that this version of my story comes from a long, sordid tale that women have been fed for centuries - that our worth is tied to our ability to be reproductive incubators (preferably to male children). Unfortunately, these days this story is back in the limelight with the possible overturning of Roe v. Wade, the recent formula shortage, the failure of this country to provide parents of any gender with reasonable paid family leave, and so on.

That’s not my story. That’s not the story I want to tell my daughter.

INFERTILITY IS A TREATABLE MEDICAL CONDITION, NOT SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF

My story is that we wanted her so much that we went to the ends of the Earth to create her. She was born of love and perseverance and resilience. That if we decide to expand our family further, there are many ways to do that, and that they are acceptable, natural ways. What is more natural than the love of a mother? Of a parent? Infertility is a treatable medical condition. Would we scoff at someone for taking antibiotics to cure a raging infection because they are not “natural?”

Being a woman and a mother is about a fuck-ton more than some fallopian tubes. It’s about Love. Teaching. Sacrifice. Presence. Joy. More Love. Patience. Essence. Soul.

That’s my story. And I’m sticking to it!