It’s easy to have a positive attitude when things are going well. When you feel good. When things are stable. When you get good news.

But what about those days where life throws you a curveball? What do you do when the shit hits the fan?

• When you get rejected from a job you really wanted.

• When you get fired.

• When your partner breaks your heart.

• When your IVF cycle fails.

• When you experience pregnancy loss.

• When you receive a scary health diagnosis.

• When a loved one passes away.

These are just a few examples of some of the most common WTF Moments that my clients have experienced. I myself have gone through many of these challenges as well, so I know firsthand how hard it can be just to get through them, let alone maintain faith and a positive outlook.

For example, when I was going through infertility my life was like an emotional roller coaster. One day I would have an ultrasound showing a bunch of potential eggs (YAY!), and two weeks later I’d get a devastating phone call that none of my embryos were viable.

But luckily, I wasn’t new to the resilience game. I’d been there before in a pretty hardcore situation: breast cancer.

Being diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 28 was pretty shocking. But once that initial shock and terror wore off, I decided that I wasn’t going to take breast cancer lying down. I was going to fight with everything I had. I was not only going to survive, but I was going to THRIVE.

What is resilience and how does it help you thrive through a major life challenge?

Leading researchers at the University of Pennsylvania (my alma mater!) define resilience as “the ability to navigate adversity and to grow and thrive from challenges.”

Resilience has many benefits: According to the Mayo Clinic, resilience can protect you from mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety. It also can improve physical health, reduce stress, help you age more gracefully (tell me more please!), and even has been linked to improved learning and academic achievement.

But perhaps the biggest reason that resilience is so important is that we cannot control certain circumstances in life, all we can do is control how we react to them. To a certain extent, your happiness and fulfillment in life is in your control.

When you get diagnosed with a chronic illness, you can either sit around moping and lamenting, “Why Me?” or you can take a deep breath, gather your strength, stand up for yourself and say “Try Me!”

You can change the conversation from one of survivorship into one of thrivership.

And you can turn a WTF Moment into the upgrade of your life. Here’s how:

Accept Circumstances That You Cannot Change

The faster you accept and come to terms with circumstances beyond your control, the faster you can start thriving. At the same time, I don’t subscribe to a “bounce-back culture” that doesn’t leave any space for grieving losses and hardship. Negative feelings are normal and must be honored and processed. But dwelling in your pain after a certain amount of time stops being productive. Once you process, let go, and accept your feelings, you can move forward. So give yourself time and space to feel negative emotions. Lean into them, be mindful of them, and you will see that they begin to lose power over you.

Have Some Self-Compassion!

Breast cancer was hard. Infertility was arguably even harder. WTF Moments are not always pleasant! Some of them can be downright devastating. Make sure that you validate that for yourself, the same way you would a good friend going through a similar situation. Offer yourself words and gestures of kindness. Practice self-soothing by engaging in activities that bring you joy. Try out this free, 7-minute guided self-compassion meditation.

Come Back To The Now By Practicing Mindfulness

WTF Moments can cause us to worry incessantly about the future. This is normal to some extent, but at a certain point it becomes problematic. Uncertainty can be very uncomfortable, but unfortunately we must all deal with some level of uncertainty in life. When I was going through IVF, I would OBSESS over statistics, calendars, and comparing myself to other people’s results. But my attempts to control an uncontrollable situation backfired - all it did was increase my anxiety. The best way to combat this type of anxiety is to come back to the present moment, the here and now, the only moment that matters. So the next time your mind gets on the train to anxietyland, take a few deep breaths and center yourself.

Take Positive Action. Stand Up And Fight Back!

Now that you’ve accepted the circumstances, given yourself a little TLC, and calmed down by bringing your focus back to the present moment, it’s time to channel your inner warrior. You know what is out of your control, so now focus on what is in your control. What positives can you see? Start small if this is challenging for you- for instance, even the fact that you are breathing, or that you have clean water is a positive. What actions can you take to improve your situation? What resources do you have? Who can you delegate to? Who can you lean on for support? Now make a list and schedule time on your calendar to make it happen!

Find Meaning In Your Suffering

In his book, Man’s Search For Meaning, Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl explains when faced with a major life challenge, we must transform our tragedy into triumph and when faced with circumstances we cannot change, we must change ourselves.

In other words, we cannot control how long we live, but we can control how well we live. So ask yourself, what can I learn from this? How can I use this experience to help others?

In many cases, going through a WTF will make you a stronger person, which helps you cope better with future challenges. It may also help you see the beauty in life in ways that you took for granted before. And finally, it may equip you with knowledge that you can use to help someone else who is struggling.

In my case, going through cancer and infertility has given me an opportunity to support other women who must now face these painful journeys. That’s why I’m excited to announce my newest offering: Resilience Circles.

WHAT ARE RESILIENCE CIRCLES AND WHO ARE THEY FOR?

Resilience Circles are confidential, safe, judgment-free and compassionate spaces for women to connect and share, while learning concrete tools and skills to enhance resilience and manage stress, loneliness and grief.

My first circle will launch this fall and will be specifically for women going through infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss. Learn more and apply here.

Please feel free to share this link with any woman facing infertility that needs this extra support and community right now. And stay tuned for more Resilience Circles around different topics, such as women’s health, cancer and BRCA.