By Alona Shaked

Back again to talk more about the subject of grief and loss, and thriving through this natural part of life. In my last post I discussed the loss of physical autonomy over my body during pregnancy, but what about the loss of my mental and emotional autonomy? My independence? My ability to work? This is not only something that parents can relate to, but also applies to any woman going through IVF, or any major health challenge, trauma or loss for that matter.

I’m sure I’m not the first pregnant woman to look at maternity leave with a mixture of excitement and fear. I am looking forward to spending time bonding with my baby and experiencing motherhood, but at the same time, I never saw myself as a stay-at-home mom and worry how motherhood will impact my career in the long-run. I think this is even more pronounced because I am self-employed, so my career is totally dependent on my own effort and time commitment – and “maternity leave” for me is not a paid benefit with job security at the end of the tunnel.

On the other hand, I am so grateful that my career allows me the flexibility to decide how much time to take off and to be able to return to working at whatever capacity I decide is right for me and my family. One of the prompts that I give in my From Loss to Love writing workshop has to do with seeing the loss in a different light and understanding what you might gain from the loss. In other words, when one door closes, another door often opens.

This situation reminds me so much of how I dealt with work/life balance when going through cancer. Wow, was I lucky to have amazing disability insurance at the time. Most people with chronic illness do not. But while I was able to take off time during chemo itself, eventually I did have to go back to work. And it wasn’t like the side effects were just gone right away. I had to adjust to a “new normal” in which wellness and health needed to be balanced with my career ambitions.

In that scenario, while I lost SO MUCH to cancer, I also gained incredible perspective on what I wanted to do with my career, what lights me up, and how I could do that work but still be healthy. I left a job that was draining me and moved into non-profit, including founding a non-profit to support other women going through cancer. I built health and wellness into my job as a fundamental pillar that was simply non-negotiable. I learned life-changing coaching tools (which I now use in my own coaching program) to create space and energy for everything that I wanted out of life.

Now I am witnessing a major shift in my priorities again, but while I am losing certain things, like being able to hop on a plane for a spontaneous weekend away (well, pre-pandemic at least), or sleeping through the night, or making plans without having to hire a babysitter, I am also gaining SO MUCH. I’m going to be a Mama for gosh sakes!

And just like there were when cancer disrupted my career’s trajectory, there are strategies and solutions to still allow for some of the parts of myself that I want to keep. There is childcare to allow me to work the hours that I choose to work. There are ways to delegate other time-consuming household responsibilities. There are supportive friends and family. Naps.

I’d love to hear from other women how you handled the issue of maternity leave, returning to work, and self-care with a newborn. I’d also love to hear from you if you are facing a health challenge like I did.

Stay tuned for my next (and final) blog post on the topic of thriving through grief and loss.