It’s not fair! Yep, but you can either be right, or you can be smart: How to stop ruminating and get what you want

Last week I blogged about the upcoming Jewish New Year and Fall Equinox, and how this time of year is an opportunity to reflect on the past and set intentions for the future. 

Judaism teaches us about “tikkun,” which literally translated means “amending or fixing.” The idea is that we can tune into the parts of ourselves that are not serving us, behaviors or thoughts that may be hurting ourselves, others or the world, and work on them, grow from them, and ultimately, fix them. 

I’d like to share with you a “tikkun,” or a fix, that I have been personally reflecting on and that I am committing to improving this year.

There’s a reason I became a lawyer. I believe in justice, in morality, in doing what’s right. And that’s something beautiful about me, something I admire about myself, a strength. But it also can be a weakness. 

There is a fine line between justice and self-righteousness

While justice can lead to positive change, self-righteousness usually leads to conflict and stress. 

I’m not saying that there aren’t some things worth fighting for. I’m saying that sometimes we have to step aside from our egos and look at the bigger picture - will my self-righteousness or stubbornness actually get me what I want? Or am I digging myself into an even deeper hole?

This year, my “tikkun” is to let go of my stubborn self-righteousness in circumstances where it does not serve me or the world. I’ll give you a couple of examples:

Nanny Drama

I went back to work part-time when Ella was about 3 months old, and hired a Nanny to take care of her 2 days a week while I was working. Hiring a Nanny is not easy. You are letting someone into your home, into the intimate parts of your life, and you are entrusting them with your most priceless possession - your child. 

As a first time post-IVF Mama with a lovely little touch of post-partum depression and anxiety (more on that another time), I needed honesty and trust from our Nanny.

About a month into her tenure with us, the problems started. Dishonesty, sloppiness, inappropriate behavior, and poor judgment with Ella. I tried to work things out by talking to her at first, but it became apparent very quickly that we were going to need to part ways.

The parting did not go as well as I’d hoped. After only 2 months of working with us, the Nanny came to me and asked for full-time hours, a higher salary, and a benefits package. When I said no, she said that she had found another position already and was quitting, but also demanded severance pay, which meant I would have to double-pay her and a new Nanny at the same time. 

I was livid. I spent my days ruminating about how unfair she was being, how it wasn’t right, how she betrayed my trust, how she wasn’t transparent with us, and so on. I wasn’t sleeping well and my energy was completely zapped from the stress.

Focus on the results you want, not on what you deserve

I called a friend who has two kids and has had a good deal of experience with Nannies. While sometimes we just want a friend to vent to, I am so grateful that this friend cut me off and was very direct with me: “Pay her and move on. It’s not worth it.”

I forced myself to Venmo her the money, sent her an amicable farewell message wishing her the best of luck, and deleted her from our Baby tracking app. To my surprise, my anxiety dissipated almost immediately and I felt a huge sense of relief.

I almost never think about her anymore, and our next Nanny was an absolute gem of a person who I trust and appreciate immensely, and still work with to this day.

At the end of the day, the result that I wanted was a Nanny to care for my most precious Baby Ella who I trusted and felt comfortable with so that I could go back to work in peace. And I got that. Sure, it cost me a few hundred dollars extra, but the alternative was potentially a huge conflict. Avoiding that conflict and getting the result that I wanted was worth every penny. 

Medical Administration - AKA my second part-time job

Anyone who has a chronic health condition knows how frustrating it can be to deal with doctors offices, insurance companies, and the medical system. In addition to the stress of the actual condition you are facing (in my case, the BRCA gene and IVF), you have to spend countless hours advocating for things that you are entitled to (literally, by law!) Sometimes it’s like having a second job.

At almost 39, I am planning prophylactic surgeries (and have already undergone one) to reduce my risk of ovarian cancer, while simultaneously scrambling to undergo IVF before I do those surgeries in order to complete my family.

Suffice it to say, I have encountered some MAJOR frustrations and roadblocks in this process. It angers me that it is so hard. It shouldn’t be that way! We are talking about my health, my life, my family! I wonder how people who aren’t licensed attorneys like I am can deal with it all. And then I get even angrier!

Kindness is a better motivator than antagonism, even when you are right

I usually try the nice route the first few times, but my patience has worn thin over the years. Sometimes, my anger and self-righteousness bubbles up inside of me and I end up yelling or sending nastygram lawyer emails.

And you know what? Most of the time all that does is make me feel even more angry when I don’t get results! While there is a place for nastygram lawyer emails, it’s important to pick and choose one’s battles. Antagonizing secretaries and low level administrative employees at an insurance company doesn’t exactly incentivize them to want to help you.

Recently I decided to try a new tactic. I’ve been trying for MONTHS to get some basic information from a medical center in Israel where I lived for 5 years in order to be able to move forward with IVF. I started getting really frustrated and sending nastygrams to secretaries who probably didn’t even understand English well enough to be able to appreciate my threats. I began losing sleep at night over the issue and wondered if we’d have to hire a lawyer.

Finally I just decided to dial it back and send only very nice emails. I found someone who spoke English well, vulnerably explained how stressed I was and kindly asked for help. I expressed gratitude multiple times, even though to be honest I was still enraged over how long the process was taking. I didn’t get my result overnight. But I got it 2 weeks later. 2 weeks is a lot better than 2 months of no results.

In short, sometimes you can either be right, or you can be smart. By focusing on what results you want rather than the injustice of the results you are getting, you can move the ball forward faster and also save yourself a lot of stress and misery.

And if you have a chronic medical condition (or are the caregiver of someone who does), I just want to say, I see you and am sending big hugs. It’s not easy.

So what will your tikkun be this year? Please let me know by sending me an email. 

And of course, if you are looking for extra support in the form of coaching, I invite you to book a no-cost consultation with me. I currently have just 1 open spot for private clients, so if you’ve been thinking about making a real transformation make sure to book your consultation soon!