When I was in 9th grade I had a history teacher who told me that the most important thing in life was thank you notes (preferably handwritten.) Yep, that was my takeaway from 9th grade history! But seriously, thank you to that teacher. Because that information has made a huge impact on my career and my life. 

Expressing gratitude towards ourselves (that’s right, don’t forget yourself!) and others has many studied benefits. Here are a list of my favorites: 

1) Expressing gratitude Can Improve your marriage or partnership

According to Harvard Medical School, researchers found that individuals who took time to express gratitude for their partner not only felt more positive toward the other person but also felt more comfortable expressing concerns about their relationship.

One of my primary love languages is “words of affirmation.” That means that I feel loved and seen when I receive verbal or written recognition, praise and appreciation. 

My husband’s primary love language is “acts of service,” which means that he feels loved and seen when people do activities that make his life easier or more enjoyable. For example, if I see that he is stressed out I might take the trash out instead of waiting for him to do it.

My partner is a transplant surgery fellow, which means he works 100+ hours a week. I run my own coaching business which has flexible hours and therefore I often solo-parent my lovely one-year old daughter and our adorable but totally crazy Labradoodle. 

Unfortunately, parenting and domestic work is unpaid. (Something I could and probably will write a whole other blog post on!) And when your child is young and doesn’t talk yet, you don’t get much positive feedback.

My partner and I have had a LOT of fights because of the difference in the way that we perceive love and attention. He does the dishes and thinks that I’ll feel seen and appreciated, when all I really want is someone to say, “Hey, I see everything you are doing and you are amazing. I appreciate it so much.”

Luckily, this is something that over time we have been able to work on in our marriage. I recently got the most beautiful birthday card from him saying all of the things my heart needed to hear. And I now make it a point to not only verbalize my gratitude for him, but to put my money where my mouth is and back up that gratitude with action.

2. Expressing Gratitude Can Motivate Your Employees

A study done at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania randomly divided university fund-raisers into two groups. One of the groups simply made phone calls, while the other group received a pep talk from the Director of Annual Giving who expressed gratitude for their help. The second group made 50% more fundraising calls than the first. 

This isn’t rocket science. People want to feel seen, heard and appreciated. So if you want your employees to work at their highest potential, express gratitude. The holidays are coming up which is a great opportunity to give your employees a little bonus, gift or token of appreciation. 

Short on funds? Verbal or written expressions of gratitude can still go a long way.  I once worked for a start-up that had no extra funding for holiday bonuses. Instead, I received a heartfelt and personalized video thank you message from the CEO. That video was worth more than a gift-card, because it made me feel truly valued and connected as a member of the founding team.

3. Expressing Gratitude Can Help You Achieve Goals

If you have a goal that requires the involvement of other people, make sure that you express gratitude along the way. When we thank someone, we are acknowledging their effort, their time and their generosity. We are telling them that they made a difference in our life and that we appreciate them. This generates feelings of goodwill, which makes it more likely that the generous behavior will continue (or increase) in the future.

I worked in the nonprofit world for 7 years, first as a fundraiser, and then as an executive director - a role in which fundraising is a primary responsibility. Any good fundraiser will tell you how important thank you notes are, especially when they are personalized and non-generic. 

All of my thank you notes to donors, even to those who gave only $5, included specific details about what the money was used for. I would also send follow up thank-yous later on to keep the donor updated on what their generosity helped accomplish. Higher level donors got handwritten thank-you notes, phone calls, and even in-person visits. Occasionally, they were honored at events or galas.

4. Don’t Forget To Express Gratitude To Yourself

The most important relationship you have in this world is with yourself. In the words of Beyonce, “Me myself and I that’s all I got in the end…  from now on I’m gon’ be my own best friend.” While it’s always nice to receive external validation, whether from your partner, a friend, or at work, you don’t NEED that to feel happy. That’s because the only person who is in charge of how you feel is YOU.

If you rely on other people for your self-worth and self-esteem, you are giving away a huge amount of control over your life. Instead, take responsibility for your feelings and remember that you can offer gratitude to yourself for how frickin’ amazing you are. Write yourself a letter, give yourself a pat on the back, treat yourself to a reward, or my favorite, buy yourself flowers. Because you deserve it.