5 Ways To Boost Resilience In Times Of Tragedy
The past two weeks have been tragic and traumatic for many people, including me. On October 7 I awoke to the horrifying news that a massacre was unfolding in Israel, a country I personally lived in for 5 years, and a place where I still have many close friends and family. Since that horrific day, the situation has only worsened. Atrocities are still being committed on a daily basis and not only is there no end in sight, but it could actually get even worse.
My husband and I spend our days now glued to the media, frantically in touch with family and friends, tossing and turning at night, shocked, crying, angry, and feeling utterly powerless as we simultaneously put a smile on our faces for our toddler and continue business as usual. I know we are not alone in this right now, and that many people, on both sides of the conflict, are experiencing true grief and suffering right now.
And then I remember, I am no stranger to tragedy and trauma. In fact, a large part of my personal brand and identity is built on the concept that we can turn tragedy into triumph. That when we experience WTF Moments in life (such as my cancer diagnosis 11 years ago), we can turn these moments into meaning, purpose, and fulfillment. Even when things are out of our control, we can control how we react to a situation. We can choose to be resilient in the face of trauma.
Here are 5 tips to help you boost your resilience and cope with tragedy - whether it is the Israel/Gaza war, or another devastating circumstance you are experiencing. I use these tips often in my coaching work, and am currently using them on myself to process and move through the current situation.
Tip #1: Allow time and space for negative feelings
Many of us are experiencing deep grief, horror, fear, devastation, heartbrokenness and anger right now. THAT’S OK. In fact, it is normal given the circumstances. Rather than try to ignore these negative feelings and push them under the rug, it is extremely important to hold space and time for them. If you need to cry, let it out. If you feel upset, just let yourself be upset. You don’t have to do anything about it. Just let it be there. Negative feelings are legitimate and human. It is also important that you allow these negative feelings to be present in order to process them so that you can enter the healing process at some point.
Tip #2: Don’t get stuck in the Swamp of Sadness
In one of my favorite old-school movies, The Neverending Story, there is a scene in which the warrior Atreyu must pass through an area called the Swamp of Sadness. The swamp has the power to overwhelm its victims with hopelessness and depression, so they lose the will to go on. When this happens, the victim becomes stuck in the mud of the swamp and slowly sinks to their death. Atreyu manages to pass through the swamp, but his horse Artax is unable to overcome his despair and sinks.
While it is important to allow yourself to feel negative feelings and process grief, it is equally important not to get dragged down so far that you get stuck in those feelings. Give yourself breaks. Limit your exposure to media. Remember the bigger picture. Focusing on the positives in your life. Doom scrolling throughout the day is not helping anyone, so pick a few times a day to check the news and stick to those times. Limit consumption of graphic photos and videos. Remember that the media thrives off of focusing on the negative, so don’t forget that there are still many people out there who truly believe in peace, who care, who are listening and who want to empathize and support.
Tip #3: Focus on the Positives
The day after the horrific attacks, my husband, daughter and I attended an event at her Jewish preschool for the holiday Simchat Torah, in which Jews dance and celebrate being given the Torah. It is supposed to be a very happy holiday. When we showed up at the event, we were feeling depressed, but the Rabbi actually encouraged everyone to be extra happy in order to observe the holiday for those in Israel who would be unable to do so themselves this year. His view is that by doing more mitzvot right now (good deeds and positive actions) we can elevate the energy of the world and have a spiritual impact on the conflict. We brought our daughter into the synagogue and together with a small but mighty group of people, both religious and secular, we joyfully danced with our daughter. Participating in this Jewish ritual with our brothers and sisters, our fellow Jews, and the children of the next generation brought us more than joy. It brought us hope.
After that, my husband and I made the decision to at least attempt to focus on the positive things in our lives and share those things with each other on a frequent basis. At first, I felt guilty about doing this when so many people were suffering so painfully. But I am trying to hold space for both the light and the darkness right now. A call from a friend to check in on how I am doing. A hug from my toddler. Being fully present with her, knowing that there are mothers who will never get to do that again. Staying in the moment and appreciating everything I have. It doesn’t take the pain away. But it allows me to continue living an aligned life, proud of my heritage and hopeful for a brighter future for my daughter. No terrorist can take that from me.
Tip #4: Practice loving kindness and self-compassion
A fellow coach and friend from my Israel days (Vicky Louise) recently posted something that really stuck with me: “If there’s anything I’ve learned since having a baby, it’s that love is natural and hate is learned.” Indeed, love is stronger and more powerful than hate. It is an innate emotion that is ingrained in our DNA. It is love that will end hate, not more hate.
In times like these, our instinct may trend towards defensiveness, anger, even rage. Again, those feelings are valid, but they are not effective. They will never end the cycle of hatred, of violence, of terror. It is our duty to bring light and love into the world in order to combat hate. And we can do that in two ways: By having compassion for others, and by having compassion for ourselves.
Here is a loving kindness meditation that I recorded earlier this year. I’m also working on recording a new meditation specifically to address the current conflict, so make sure you are on my mailing list to receive the link! The more love we can put out there, the better the chances that we will one day see peace.
Tip #5: Create Meaning Through Your Actions
One of the hardest parts of tragedies is that often, we have no control over the situation. But feeling helpless and powerless can lead to dangerous consequences. If we do nothing, we allow a tragedy to remain a tragedy.
My amazing therapist (Katie Holtzworth) gave me some great advice last week: Focus on what you can control in life right now. Indeed, one of the biggest lessons I learned from cancer is that while we cannot control how long we will live, we can control how well we will live. We have the power to create meaning out of our suffering and to take action aligned with that meaning. As Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor who lost his family to the Nazis explains, while we may not be able to change dire circumstances, we still have the ability to turn personal tragedy into triumph.
We are not helpless. We are not powerless. We may not be able to control the actions of others, but there is much we can do to end suffering and promote peace. We can donate, volunteer, write letters, share our opinions online, call a friend to ask how they are doing, teach our children love and empathy. We can forgive. We can love unconditionally. This does not mean that we must accept ignorance and hatred or allow crimes to go unpunished. To the contrary, it means that we are charged with ensuring that there is still a chance for a future, for harmony, and for peace.