The difference between gratitude and toxic positivity
I am a natural-born pessimist. While in some ways, this sucks (I mean who doesn’t want to be happy all the time?), in other ways natural pessimism can be a gift.
What do I mean by that?
Nobody is happy all of the time
You know those people who are ALWAYS happy? The ones whose social media looks like they have the perfect life, with the perfect job and the perfect family? The ones who tell you to look at the bright side when you’re in the middle of a crisis? Or that everything happens for a reason when you’re facing something like cancer?
Yeah… I hate those people. Because you know what? No one is happy ALL of the time. If you are, that means that you are not experiencing the full range of human emotions, so what you are feeling is probably not happiness but something called toxic positivity.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how bad a situation is, people should reject negative emotions and maintain a positive facade. Gratitude, on the other hand, is a genuine feeling of thanks and appreciation for various aspects of our lives. Gratitude does not preclude negative emotions, rather, it coexists peacefully with them.
Negative emotions are there for a reason. They are healthy, as long as they are felt in proportion and don’t consume our lives. Anxiety or fear, for example, can serve as a warning sign. Anger can help spark healthy discourse leading to personal growth. And without sadness and grief we cannot truly experience love, the most beautiful emotion of all.
You can’t fake gratitude
The classic example of this is when someone tries to cover up deep grief or pain with so-called “gratitude.” Gratitude, when authentically felt, is a powerful emotion that can bring us joy, good health, better relationships, and inner peace. But as I said a few weeks ago when I talked about postpartum depression, we cannot just fake gratitude. To do so masks our true emotions, which then simmer and fester under the surface until one day - if we are lucky - they explode. If we are unlucky, our life ends before we have the chance to truly and authentically feel love.
When someone dies, we must allow ourselves to feel sad and to grieve that loss. When we lose something meaningful to us, we must let ourselves experience that loss for what it is - a loss.
Negative Emotions Can Open Space For Gratitude
Negative emotions are uncomfortable. But they also don't last forever. If we properly allow ourselves to experience negative emotions, without letting them consume our lives to the point of destruction, we make space in our hearts for gratitude. We can look at something with both sadness and love at the same time.
As we approach Thanksgiving next week, think about some of the negative emotions you are currently experiencing in your life, or that you’ve experienced this past year. Ask yourself how you can honor those real, painful feelings that you have while also making space for gratitude. And if you aren’t ready to do that, acknowledge it, be mindful of it, and know that feelings evolve over time.
What Do I Do If I Am Toxically Positive?
Conversely, if you think you may be suffering from toxic positivity, I want to let you know that it is OK to feel bad sometimes. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to be perfect. Think about the Velveteen Rabbit for a moment. He was far from perfect. But he was REAL. And that’s what counts at the end of the day. Being real and authentically ourselves is the only way to achieve true fulfillment and self-actualization.
If you need extra support and a safe space to move towards thrivership from a difficult circumstance or life transition, I invite you to book a complimentary coaching consultation with me today. During this free session, we will get to the bottom of where you want to go and what’s really holding you back from getting there. And I’ll give you my recommendations for immediate action steps you can take to feel better, whether or not that involves working more intensely with me.
Happy early Thanksgiving.